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J. Swift

  • SINCE there are persons who complain/ There's too much satire in my vein/ That I am often found exceeding/ The rules of raillery and breeding/ With too much freedom treat my betters/ Not sparing even men of letters/ You, who are skill'd in lawyer's lore/ What's your advice? shall I give o're?/ Nor ever fools or knaves expose/ Either in verse or hum'rous prose/ And, to avoid all future ill/ In my 'scritore lock up my quill?
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July 13, 2009

Travis Cupped Ms. Rusty's Alabaster Breasts With Rose Tipped Nipples!

One of the techniques I still use to get students to read is to find out what they are interested in and then to have the student read material related to that topic. Skateboarding magazines, football cards, car magazines and many other written materials can be used in the exactly the same way as Lord of the Flies or A Tale of Two Cities. There are nouns and verbs and hopefully few participles that dangle. There are paragraphs with topic sentences etc. Once can check for comprehension, retention, recall, etc. etc. using any “literary” resource. However, it is obvious that a novel by Dickens or Golding offers something more than an article by some tattooed and pierced skater, who makes more money that the aforementioned authors put together. However, at that time and for the children I was working with, that “wee bit” extra that one would be exposed to when reading a classic novel, was not of paramount importance. Later on, I wrote a story that I use to the same effect. It is about a red ball and four boys, each from a different part of the world, who came into contact with it. It never dawned on me to write about sex and drugs. Ms. Rustamova, a teacher working with “disaffected” students, must have felt my pain. She finally decided that she would write her own novel to get her students to read. I am assuming that by disaffected, Ms. Rustamova was referring to the type of students I used to have, not terribly engaged in their education for a myriad of reasons. I have provided the entire article for your perusal, as I would do it injustice by giving it my usual running commentary. It is a good read, as they say in the biz. By the way, about fifteen years ago, I also wrote an ongoing story about a group of boys whose plane crashed on a weird island and everyday they would have new adventures that required them to use their mathematical abilities or their knowledge of history etc. Do you think the television network bastards gave me any credit for their “Lost” television program? I digress.

Teacher's racy novel 'to encourage pupils to read'

An English teacher sacked after publishing a racy novel about her pupils online defended the book today, saying it was written to encourage a group of teenage boys to read. Leonora Rustamova, a teacher at Calder High School in Mytholmroyd, West Yorkshire, was dismissed after Stop! Don't Read This appeared on a self-publishing website. The novel contained pupils' real names and included references to under-age drinking, truancy and drugs, and scenes of a sexual nature, as well as likening students to "gorgeous Mr Gay UK finalists".

Ms Rustamova, 39 - nicknamed Miss Rusty by pupils - insisted today that she had written the book at the request of a group of five disaffected Year 11 boys who she had been taking for English classes. In her first interview since her dismissal, Ms Rustamova told Victoria Derbyshire's programme on BBC Radio 5 Live:

"I tried to get them interested in all sorts of books and they refused to get involved, they were far too disaffected. "I asked what they would listen to and they said if I wrote a story about them. "It was terrifying to write a story about the most difficult audience in the world." The first novel Ms Rustamova penned was called the Woodland Massacre, she said. It was about woodland animals and the boys were "offended" by it. "It got to the stage, after trying all the usual sorts of books to engage them that I had to try something different," she said. "I really wanted them to know they were an important group and that I was prepared to bend over backwards to get them involved." "They were really interested in the story from the start, it's kind of interesting to read something that's written about them. I did try to get inside their heads, trying to explain how they were perceived in school. "Because I didn't know them very well, I had to go on national problems for students, like truancy and smoking. "There is a lot of swearing in it, but no more than your average junior yard playground in school." The novel charted the exploits of Ms Rustamova's pupils as they uncovered a drug den beneath the school. She reportedly described one pupil fantasising about her, and wrote: "It's getting harder and harder to see them just as kids." Ms Rustamova said the racy material was necessary in order to appeal to the boys. She told the BBC: "In their being a difficult audience, the material had to be quite risque to give them an excuse to listen to it. "To 16-year-old boys that are disaffected, story time is for small children." Ms Rustamova insisted that the book was "mistakenly" published online, after her husband found a website that would print copies which could be given to the boys when they left school. "It was a simple internet mistake, it was never intended to go on the internet, to be a published work. It was written for an audience of five." She said she was "stunned" when she was suspended.

One of the students, 17-year-old Travis, told the BBC he thought the book was "excellent". "It was a fairly accurate description all in all, it was a really good book and got us to read, it did work." Ms Rustamova's case has now been referred to the General Teaching Council for England. Paul Brennan, acting group director for children and young people at Calderdale Council said: "The safety and well being of all children and young people in schools is paramount. All adults working with them have a duty to adhere to professional standards of practice. "This has been a difficult time for the whole school community. It is my hope that the pupils and staff of Calder High can now focus their full attention on their studies and continue to thrive and succeed in the future."

July 12, 2009

We Don't Need No Stinking (Drunken) Badgers!

It had to happen, animals getting drunk and behaving inappropriately. BERLIN (Reuters) - A badger in Germany got so drunk on over-ripe cherries it staggered into the middle of a road and refused to budge, police said on Wednesday. A motorist called police near the central town of Goslar to report a dead badger on a road -- only for officers to turn up and discover the animal alive and well, but drunk. Police discovered the nocturnal beast had eaten cherries from a nearby tree which had turned to alcohol and given the badger diarrhea. Having failed to scare the animal away, officers eventually chased it from the road with a broom. I don’t know what is worse, getting drunk, sitting in the middle of a road or getting diarrhea? I can count on the fingers of my hand, the number of times I have been drunk. I have never, however, lost continence. I do have to say that once I did forget where I lived or how I got there, but I knew I was in North America. The sitting in the middle of the road is interesting. Allow me to explain. There is a pretty horrible movie, even though it has Jimmy Caan in it, called The Program. It is a cliché movie about all that is bad about athletic programs in universities, even high schools are not immune, using their athletic students to make money all the while espousing the virtues of amateurism. There is even that wonderful policing body, the NCAA, regulating and invigilating everything and then putting programs on probation or taking away their television money.  Instead of the craziness that they engage in, the NCAA ought to acknowledge that the public likes to watch college football or basketball. They don’t like to watch experiments in chemistry or how a beautiful sonnet can be written. There are some people who will be nothing more than professional athletes. Pretending that they are getting an education while playing a sport is as ridiculous as thinking that the best athletes are just enrolling in a particular university because of the education they will receive and the athletic tradition that exists there. Somewhere, somehow, some one is paying them something. Instead of this farce, pay the athletes and teach them to manage their money so that when it is all over or if they blow out their knees, they have something left. I digress. In the cliché movie, about football by the way, the alcoholic quarterback leads his team of bible thumping, steroid using, anger management needing, raping etc. etc. team to sit in the middle of a two lane road full of traffic in the middle of the night. He leads and they follow. Well I saw that particular scene cause I went to see the movie in the first few days in was released with my high school football coach friend, Coach K. Immediately, after the film was released, high school kids tried it and needless to say, a few of them died. That scene was cut from the movie, therefore, if you choose to rent The Program, you will not be privy to the scene of drunken high school kids sitting in the middle of the road at night with traffic whizzing by. I wonder if the drunken badger has a scholarship to the local Gymnasium or Gesamtschule.

They're Back!

Deamons

July 11, 2009

Torn Between Two Stories, Feeling Like A Fool!

These two stories were reported by an Australian newspaper. I wanted to pick one, but just couldn’t. So here they both are and may God bless us and all who sail in us.

I am so ticklish that this would be torture for me.

A father in the US state of Arkansas has been convicted of felony battery and sentenced to six years in prison for disciplining his young son by biting his toes.

Todd Wayne Hall, 36, was also ordered on Tuesday to pay a $US10,000 ($12,600) fine, the Benton County Daily Record reported.

The son, now nine, was six-years-old at the time. Prosecutors showed jurors photographs of his injured toes, which had bruises and cracks in the toenails. Hall also admitted in a court proceeding that he bit the boy's toes.

Hall was cited previously for biting his daughter.

Testimony revealed Hall and his wife, Virginia, would punish the children for blinking their eyes or moving while they were supposed to be napping.

The children are in the custody of grandparents.

Talk about cutting your penis to spite your parents.

An Egyptian cut off his own penis on Sunday in protest at his parents' choice of bride, a police official said.

The 25-year-old labourer from the village of Sheikh Eissa in southern Egypt was taken to hospital in stable condition, the official said, adding that the man had also mutilated his testicles.

"He was in love with a woman but his parents rejected her and told him to marry another woman he didn't want. He took a knife and cut off his penis in his room."

Doctors were unable to reattach the severed member, the official added.

July 10, 2009

Death By Chocolate, Literally!

CAMDEN, N.J. (July 8) – Authorities say a man died after falling into a vat of melted chocolate in a New Jersey processing plant.

The Camden County prosecutor's office identified the victim as 29-year-old Vincent Smith II of Camden. He was a temporary worker at the Cocoa Services Inc. plant.

The accident happened Wednesday morning as Smith was loading chocolate into a vat where it's melted and mixed before being shipped elsewhere to be made into candy.

Prosecutor's spokesman Jason Laughlin says a co-worker tried to shut off the machine and two others tried to pull Smith out of the 8-foot-deep vat. He was hit and fatally injured by the agitator that mixes the chocolate.

Cocoa Services hires a second company — Lyons and Sons — to do the mixing.

 

It is a sad day indeed. Other than the fat boy who was the first to leave Willy Wonka’s factory, this must be the first person to fall in chocolate. Did they have to throw the chocolate out after they fished him out of the vat? Will Godiva now dip meat into their chocolate or would it be more appropriate to drizzle chocolate onto meat? An 8-foot-deep vat of chocolate, what a way to go!

July 09, 2009

Party Time on Lake Keo Wee O Yoh!

Click to GIVE and initiate your FREEDOM. Some person reads this at the end of an evangelist’s webpage and actually sends money to initiate his or her freedom. Then the evangelist buys himself or herself a $4,000,000 home. The Inspiration Network’s CEO, a Mr. (is there a title for evangelists like De.G. DemiGod) David Cerullo indeed bought a 9,000 square-foot house with a 2000 square-foot porch overlooking Lake Keowee. It isn’t bad enough that these creatures sin, steal, lie, cheat, assume a wide stance in toilets and do what the rest of us “normal” creatures do, they get to do it tax free. People are, for a want of a better word, gullible and susceptible to thinking (if you could call it that) that they need to pay this man money in order to have freedom, go to heaven or whatever he promised them in his “ministry.” But what about the bloody government? What the hot place that one will never go if one donates just $60, are these people thinking? They allow these evangelists to have tax exemptions. It is a bloody business. Why not allow magicians or acrobats to also have tax exemptions? Please check this out: http://www.paulawhite.org/ You will notice that finding freedom costs $30, the deliverance package costs $60, (for an extra 20 you can get a plastic pig nose and learn how to squeal), and, are you ready for this, for $100 you can wage spiritual warfare. I am sure Paula (I would do this) White, had identified the enemy combatants in her sermons. They make all this money and don’t pay taxes. Al Capone ought to have claimed evangelism status. At least he got some cheese named after him. I like mine with extra sahnig, but I digress.

 Mascarpone_500g

I am a wee bit hazy on this, but didn’t Jesus throw out early evangelists from the temple and tell the rest of the people “This is what I would do!”

July 08, 2009

Vagina Lifting, Still An Exhibition Sport At The London Olympics!

When I was younger and much more impressionable, I remember hearing the Russians and East Germans won many gold medals in the Olympics because they would take children and test their muscles. If they had more fast twitch muscles, they were made to run sprints and if they had more slow twitch muscles, they were made to run distance. Of course their density and muscle mass would determine other sports etc. The kids would be plucked out of their families and taken to centers and trained. I imagined parents waving goodbye to their wee kids and consoling themselves that the children would be fed much better than the entire village and they would become strong and serve mother Russia. I never really knew if it was real or just propaganda. Then I came across this story: A Russian woman has set a new world record, lifting a 14-kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42, has been exercising her intimate muscles for fifteen years, and has already made her entrance into the Guinness Book of Records as the possessor of the world’s strongest vagina, she proudly told Life.ru. “After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!” The embarrassing first experience did not scare Tatiana off. She developed quite a taste for vagina fitness, and now she has her exercising balls custom-made. “You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook.” Perhaps now that they have the strongest vagina, I wonder if the Russians will start testing for vagina muscles.

Spend A Penny Quickly!

You may remember a previous blog about fighting corruption by sewing shut the pockets in trousers so that people couldn’t accept bribes. Not to be outdone, those crazy Lithuanians have decided to fight vandalism in much the same way: Anyone who happens to visit a public toilet in Klaipeda, Lithuania, should be careful not to spend longer than five minutes inside – after that time limit the doors will automatically be blocked. This is the city authorities’ idea for fighting vandalism. Automatic blocking systems will be installed on the toilets’ doors. The system will wait exactly five minutes after the client goes in, and if he or she does not leave after the time runs out, the doors will be blocked. One would assume that 5 minutes would be enough to complete #1, #2 or #3. However, if more time is needed, once the doors are pried open by the jaws of bathroom, one can leave with some semblance of dignity. The French have decided on a different course of action. The Paris Public Lavatory Security System (PPLSS) will fling the doors wide open after 15 minutes. I don’t know what is worse, being trapped in or ejected out. The Lithuanians call their procedure “konstapat”, while the French call theirs “dioreia.” In America, there is no time for vandalism as most toilets are full celebrities looking for love in all the wrong places or lawmakers assuming a “wide stance!”

July 07, 2009

Disco Disco Good Good!

At long last we have Islamic superheroes. And, I believe, it is about time. Ever since David, the Jewish superhero, kicked Goliath, the Islamic superhero’s head, the wee Islamic boys have had no heroes to celebrate. Of course the many people who blow themselves up don’t really count because they also die along with the villains. The 99, named after the same number of attributes of Allah, will collaborate with members of the Justice League of America.

 99_1437746c

None of the characters pray or read the Koran, as they are meant to have equal appeal to children of all faiths. They do not wear disguises and unlike their DC counterparts, they are not outsiders with secret identities. They tend to be ordinary people who develop superhuman abilities after coming into contact with mystical gems. Only Batina , the Hidden, who has powers of invisibility and camouflage, wears a Burka. Other characters include Darr the Afflicter, who is able to stimulate nerves associated with pain, and Bari the Healer who heals wounds and broken bones. What exactly is the stimulation of nerves associated with pain? Does Darr make you believe you are in pain when you are not in pain? Wouldn’t it just be easier to inflict pain? So what will happen in between the 99 taking the Justice League to disco disco good good? Dr Naif Al-Mutawa, creator of The 99 and founder of Teshkeel Media, said he was unsure of the direction the mini-series would initially take. "Are we going to have them working together from day one, or will they think the other is the enemy?" he said. "Enemy number one is fear. You could open it with Obama's speech [in Cairo] with the two sets of superheroes watching it and having different reactions. There's plenty of possibilities."  Well now you know and knowing is half the battle. Of course there is always this religiously ambiguous superhero:

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July 06, 2009

Little Git Wants To Share His Mum With The World!

A New Zealand boy tried to sell naked pictures of his mum online. At first he started out being angry at her after an argument they had together. However, the second time he posted her pictures it was to make some money. This prompted the following response from his 44-year-old mother: Jennifer said she was "pretty annoyed'' by the first listing, calling her son a "cheeky little git'', but liked the second lot because they were "quite artistic''. By the way Michael is eighteen. I assume his local rugby club mates were among the 11,000 people who visited the website before the pictures were pulled for being inappropriate.