LS Man

I Wonder If Any Of Them Accept PayPal!

Have you ever wondered what people will do for $5? Among the multitude of real things people will do, here is a sampling with my commentary of course.

I will teach you how to make money online for $5

I will teach you the basics of making money online, I will give you the top methods that can earn... (by LukaB)

Hmm, I wonder if Luka is actually one of the basic techniques right now.

I will write you an employee recommendation letter for $5

You pretty much just tell me what you want me to say and ... (by Benkins)

This one is a beauty for me as Benkins probably knows more about me than my own headmaster.

I will write whatever you want on my arm for $5

Summer is coming soon and the weather is starting to warm up! This means that I will be wearing t... 

I got nothing on this one. It is just tremendous, that’s all.

I will mail you ten (10) paper ninja stars for $5

I will forge from printer paper ten wonderfully crafted ninja stars. (by camiam)

That would be 50 cents for each paper ninja star for those of you who may want to know the price per unit.

I will make a virtual breast surgery for your wife or girlfriend (photo) for $5

Materialize your dreams... Get your wife or girlfriend

I would rather go the virtual penis surgery for myself.

I will tell you how to extract your dna for $5

I will send you instructions that tell you how to extract your own dna from your saliva in 5 minu... (by simonc)

This isn’t the same kind of DNA found on the infamous blue dress worn by Monica Lewinsky. That type of extraction costs a great deal more.

I will teach you how to fake being sick for $5

Get out of work, school, or where ever else you dont want to be. I will give you tips on how to ... (by

For an extra fiver, you can learn how to fake an orgasm.

I will say the things you want to hear. for $5

Let me be that golden voice speaking to you, right into your being. I will create an mp3 file fo... (by wishgranter)

“You are good at what you do and you will have a job come next September!”

I will poorly draw a picture based on a word, caption, email subject line, or phrase that you give me for $5

I draw awesome poorly drawn cartoons/images. When you pur... (by imisplacedmine)

Because you can draw it well yourself and who needs that for goodness sake!

I will help you get into a top college for $5

Want to know what it takes to get into top colleges like UC Berkeley, Stanford University, or Har... (by astaire)

And NOOOOO, not by getting you more time on standardized college entrance examinations. Where is the sport in that?

I will mail you a random object from my house (US residents only) for $5

I have a lot of stuff. You may need more stuff, or you ma... (by scottcrawford)

Another one that renders me speechless.

I will tell you if you look fat in those jeans for $5

Need an honest opinion if I think you look fat in those Jeans? I'll review up to 5 pairs of je... (by waaan)

I just have big buttocks.

I will give you really bad advice for $5

Relationship, career, family, life... I can give you advice to ruin pretty much anything. Send me... (by MissSabertooth)

Finally, some truth in advertising. This one is worth every penny.

I will give you a hug for $5

I will give you a hug if you are in the San Francisco Bay Area. If you're not in the Bay Area, I ... (by Gauron)

I will give you a huggie.

I will tell you sincerely how beautiful of a person you are for $5

We can talk on the phone or online, and I will tell you j... (by buddhahands)

Thank you for qualifying that. I hate insincere flattery.

I will make your homework for $5

I will make any homework of just 1 assignature. Homework must be written and will be send in a wo... (by aldoaoa)

Aldoaoa knows his or her stuff, must been a biscuit away from getting a teaching certificate!

I will keep one secret for you for $5

Do you have anything you want to speak out loud, but not to someone you know? OK, I am nobody! I ... (by

And, finally a real nobody who can keep somebody’s secret. All well and good until somebody start running for public office.

Jesus, Lettuce And Tomato!

It has been a while since we have had a Jesus sighting. And, I don’t believe for one moment that this one hasn’t been manipulated. How many 22-year olds go on a wee bit of a piss and then decide to cook bacon for a quick snack? And, having established that it is indeed bacon he want for a snack, he decides to rest while cooking bacon because as we all know, it takes a good 40-50 min. to fry bacon. Jesus really needed to come to this guy. "My housemates and I had a few beers earlier in the evening I thought I would snack before going to bed and as it was cooking I decided to take a rest on the couch."When I woke up about an hour later the room was full of smoke. "If it wasn't for the smoke of the bacon burning this onto the pan it could have been a very bad situation, perhaps someone's looking over me.  Nevertheless, here it is:

 

"I'm going to keep it for the rest of my life, perhaps it can watch over me." And if it doesn’t watch over you, perhaps you can use it to hit yourself upside your bloody head, you idiot. Nevertheless, do you ever wonder what Jesus is thinking as he shows himself to these morons? Furthermore, once he returns to up on high, how does he answer his father’s questions?

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, where have you been, my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains,
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways,
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests,
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans,
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard,

I’ve showed myself to a moron who fell asleep making bacon for a snack,

And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Perhaps A Spoonfull Of Garlic Can Make The Miracle Complete!

You see, I am going to go off again and rant about mindlessness, the kind perpetuated by organized, and not so organized religion. I want some priest to sit me down and say to me that I ought to never use contraception. I then want that same person to ask me what I think about that. I want to engage in some dialogue and tell him I like the part about helping my fellow man and loving people etc. etc. but this part doesn’t make sense to me. If I am told that I can still be in the club and wear a rubber Johnny, then all is good. But if I am told I am going to be damned and spend life in purgatory, then I am going to pack my toys and leave. Religious people can’t do that. The systemic mindlessness and indoctrination from a young age, perpetuated by people whom a child trusts, will render most people susceptible to will and testament of these religious people, and precious few will be able to resist their salvific efforts. Even more disastrous, mindlessness will continue to be perpetuated on successive generations. But, I know that there has to be some reward in this process. Would someone chant scripture and rub oils on a 16-year-old boy with urinary tract infection to the point that his kidneys shut down and he dies and then go to prison for KILLING his own son, unless there was something in it for him? I know what it is. Thinking is the hardest thing we can do. It is what separates us from other living organisms. It allows us to catch and eat other animals, plant crops, make cakes, invent IPads, swindle people and play chess. If one doesn’t have to think, life is sooooo much easier. If we are constantly told what to do, then there is no anxiety about making decisions. That is why these people continue to perpetuate mindlessness. That and the social aspects of mindlessness such as singing songs, playing bingo and drinking slug juice. Authorities are investigating a Hialeah man who allegedly smuggled illegal Giant African Snails into Florida and convinced his followers to drink their juices as part of a religious healing ritual. ``I did not invent this. It's something that is part of our religion,'' he told The Miami Herald. ``It's not something meant to hurt anybody. ''One witness told investigators that during the ritual, Stewart grabs a snail from the cage, then would ``hold it over the devotee, then cuts the [snail] and pours the raw fluid directly from the still live [snail] into the mouth of the devotee. ''Several followers became violently ill, losing weight and developing strange lumps in their bellies, the warrant said.

The snail ritual was supposed to cure worshipers with medical problems.

How Much For A Lesbian Officer With One Glass Eye!

You may have heard about a particularly violent and vulgar video game called Grand Theft Auto. There are many versions, but the main idea of the game is for the player to rob, rape and kill people to earn different amounts of money. I always felt that these types of games had no intrinsic value and conveyed the worst qualities that we, as human beings, possess. However, as most experiences are to children, it seems that this type of game may in fact be more of an education, preparing some of our children for an adulthood destined for the five o’clock news. Perhaps, these types of games are also affecting institutions such as the Australian navy, which has its own version of this game, minus the robbing and killing, although the prerequisite amount of intimidation is present. Australian officials launched an investigation into allegations that sailors on board a navy ship were running a sex competition during an overseas deployment last year. Three sailors from the HMAS Success were sent home last May after reports emerged that sailors were competing to have sex with the most number of female crew mates. The investigation will look into allegations that dollar values were assigned to each woman on board and that sailors could win extra money if they had sex with a female officer or a lesbian. Points were also awarded for sex in adventurous or outlandish locations, such as the top of a pool table.

 

An outlandish location, to me, would be at the top of the mast. But then again, I am more of a romantic. There was a ledger, where all these deeds were recorded. The men would try to outdo each other with the number of women they could sleep with, and gave each female a dollar value on a list known as "The Ledger", in order to win cash prizes. And, lest you think it was all fun and games, till someone lost an eye, The female sailors involved in these liaisons, aboard HMAS Success during a tour of duty last year, were often bullied or coerced into sex after being offered drugs and alcohol during shore leave and were threatened to prevent them speaking out. To conclude that playing these games causes people to engage in specific acts is fallacious. Many children play these games and never join the Australian navy. However, there is a correlation between engaging in these types of behaviors for amusement and being susceptible to engaging in behaviors that are detrimental to society and individuals. Unfortunately just exiting the game doesn’t expunge the consequences of actions in real life. I am not proposing banning any of these games. I do, however, always maintain that children have to be engaged by responsible adults at all times. Playing these games is no exception. I would want to know exactly how these games make children feel as they are playing them and I also want to make sure their days are balanced with other more boring pursuits such as making sandwiches for the homeless.

Pontypool Front Row!

One never knows what those crafty New Zealanders are up to. Apparently they have begun to do some genetics and mutation work, on penguins of all animals. King penguins are notorious for their prim, tuxedoed appearance -- but a recently discovered all-black penguin seems unafraid to defy convention. In what has been described as a "one in a zillion kind of mutation," biologists say that the animal has lost control of its pigmentation, an occurrence that is extremely rare. Other than the penguin's monochromatic outfit, the animal appears to be perfectly healthy -- and then some. "Look at the size of those legs," said one scientist, "It's an absolute monster." Of course, the New Zealanders are going to deny it, but it seems very clear to me what is going on here. Graham Henry, the coach of New Zealand’s rugby football team, lamenting the fact that he doesn’t have the likes of Lomu and Pine Tree playing for him, has asked that the boys in the labs leave the mutton alone and start work on making great rugby animals. The lab boys had to start somewhere, lo and behold, the All Black penguin.

 

Obviously, there was a breach in the security protocol and this information was leaked. Apparently, an Argentinean scientist, angry that Argentina can’t break into the Tri-Nation rugby football contest, sold the penguin prints to the Australians:

 

And the South Africans:

 

The other rugby football playing nations are still working on teaching their humans how to play the game successfully.

What Would Walt Do!

You may not believe this, but Disney and Pixar are worried that their films are not making as much money as they ought to because some of the titles don’t appeal to boy customers. After the less-than-fairy-tale results for its most recent animated release, The Princess and the Frog executives at the Burbank studio believe they know why the acclaimed movie came up short at the box office. Brace yourself: Boys didn't want to see a movie with "princess" in the title. This time, Disney is taking measures to ensure that doesn't happen again. The studio renamed its next animated film with the girl-centric name "Rapunzel" to the less gender-specific "Tangled." The makeover of "Rapunzel" is more than cosmetic. Disney can ill afford a moniker that alienates half the potential audience, young boys, who are needed to make an expensive family film a success. "We did not want to be put in a box," said Ed Catmull, president of Pixar and Disney Animation Studios, explaining the reason for the name change. "Some people might assume it's a fairy tale for girls when it's not. We make movies to be appreciated and loved by everybody." That’s right, they want the love, the coin isn’t that important. These people ought to sell cars and houses, instead of making movies for children. Here is the inevitable list of children’s classics renamed to ensure the love of all children. See if you can guess what they used to be called:

The Gullible Person Who Confuses Seven Cool Little People

Special Education Elephant (I can say this because I am a special education teacher)

A Nice Person With Bitches For Sisters

Johnny Depp Looking Like Madonna With Big Rabbits And Grinning Cats

A Person Who Likes To Sleep And Is Allergic To Apples

Half Person Half Fish Without Patrick As A Good Friend

A Pretty Person And The X-Man

And my favorite one: Two Dogs One Meatball

I Am Sooooo Going To Hell!

Right after I write the last blog I come across this:

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2b8JOmsRgW8&feature=player_embedded

 

I Would Only Enroll My Kid In The Sacred HEAD Of Jesus Catholic School!

A situation is brewing in a religious school in Boulder, Colorado. A wee child isn’t being allowed to enroll in a Catholic pre-school program because the student’s parents are lesbians. Officials at Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic School, acting at the direction of the Archdiocese of Denver, last week told faculty members that the child would not be readmitted to the church school because of the sexual orientation of the child's parents. Neither the child nor the parents have been identified. The brouhaha is centered on the discrimination aimed, it appears, solely at the lesbians. The official response of the school is that this child is being protected and it is for his or her own good. How can that be, you ask: If a child of gay parents comes to our school, and we teach that gay marriage is against the will of God, then the child will think that we are saying their parents are bad. We don't want to put any child in that tough position -- nor do we want to put the parents, or the teachers, at odds with the teachings of the Catholic Church. Why would good parents want their children to learn something they don't believe in? It doesn't make sense. There are so many schools in Boulder that see the meaning of sexuality in an entirely different way than the Catholic Church does. Why not send their child there?  Well what about Catholics who are divorced or have used a rubber Johnny. In fact, in some Catholic schools, the percentage of non-Catholic students is close to 90%. That ought to alarm these religious zealots a great deal more than the worrisome confusion they will cause a pre-school aged child about the sins committed by that child’s parents every time they love each other. How can they continue to perpetuate the insanity known as religion, if all the audience can think? This is a case of obvious discrimination against a particular segment of the population. I am not sure if it is illegal. I assume the parents will not accept this decision and will contest it, however, they will have no legal grounds for their protest. The beauty, and the ugliness, of public schools is that no one can be turned away. Private schools are a different story and they can be selective. We have to stay tuned to this one.

Ben Stein Should Go All Kayne West On Einstein!

The original document, on which Einstein wrote his theory of relativity, has been put on display. It is wonderful to see his handwritten notes, to imagine him sitting at a table and thinking and writing down his thoughts.

 

 One of the tenets of his theory is that the universe expands based on discernable scientific evidence. Yet I don’t see the intelligent designers arguing that Einstein’s theory has holes and ought to be balanced by the provision of the factuality of intelligent design. Why is that? Darwin’s theory of evolution is flawed because it is too simplistic to presume that all life evolved from a single-celled organism. That would make us related to monkeys and wombats and that is ridiculous. What isn’t ridiculous is to determine where the original single-celled organism came from. Real scientists will tell you that they don’t know, but they will postulate theories and scientifically prove or disprove them. The intelligent design scientists, the ones being fired for being incompetent scientists (not according to Ben Stein), can’t accept unknown for an answer. So the drum continues to be banged, and so if we don’t know, then why can’t there have been an intelligent designer. Real scientists would rather accept the limitations that they can’t find out, than accept a theory that can’t be proven. Silly real scientists, evolution isn’t for kids. Now here is the rub. Real scientists don’t know, intelligent design scientists don’t know (well they actually know but don’t want to tell), so why do the real scientists not even entertain the idea of intelligent design? My theory is that since this is a mystery and we know someone who works in mysterious ways, sooner or later we will be faced with, since we don’t know, why can’t it be God? Perhaps, we will know the answer much later on into our future, the same way we will know how Ted Williams could hit a baseball so sweetly, once we can re-animate his floating head. I am sorry I digressed. Why aren’t these intelligent design scientists taking offense to another theory that specifically discredits their intelligent designer? Perhaps, the intelligent designer designed the theory of relativity and Einstein just wrote it down in his cool German handwriting. For that matter why couldn’t the intelligent designer also have designed evolution? Ben Stein needs to follow up on this, don’t you think?

Your Punishment For Defacing Is Deassing!

So they fire this judge in Mexico because he wanted to spray paint the buttocks of a young graffiti artist who had been defacing buildings in the area. Fernando Perez Hurtado, a civilian judge from San Juan Del Rio, was dismissed for abusing his authority after he tried to impose the “humiliating” sentence on the 13 year-old, officials said. Despite protests from parents and other court officials, the judge ordered the young artist to pull down his trousers before attempting to paint his buttocks with the same spray paint the teenager had used during his crimes. The town’s mayor Gustavo Nieto later confirmed he had fired the judge, whose job it was to impose penalties for petty crime, after he had “humiliated” the teenager. He said the judge had abused his authority, because he should have notified the boy’s parents to force them pay a fine for the clean-up, not punish him directly. Making the parents pay a fine to clean the walls etc. would most likely result in some type of punishment handed down from the parents. In Mexico, I would assume there may be some type of physical punishment. Would anyone take the time to find out why he did this, does he have some kind of artistic ability, is he a fan of Bansky, was he alone, or did some other kids put him up to it? If this judge wanted to make an impression on this kid, which I believe he wanted to do, he could have targeted a different part of the kid's anatomy. Waking up early on Saturday to go with the kid and clean the walls and then getting him a big canvas and some paint might have been one solution. And, the other would be to spray paint the kid’s buttocks in court in front of his parents and others. Here is my favorite Bansky graffiti.