LS Man

Stay Away From The Lemon Chalet, Wink Wink!

I can tell it is a specific time of year when people at work start pressuring us to buy Girl Scout cookies. I have always wondered about this multi-million dollar business. Where does all that money go? One never hears of Girl Scouts donating large sums of money to the helpless, homeless or the recipients of God’s anger such as the Haitians and now, I assume the people in Chile. Perhaps they do it quietly and without all the fanfare of people who want others to know of their philanthropy. Of course these young ladies, actually their parents to be much more precise, sell the commodity, but as with all systems, there are many players involved. I am sure those people do quite well also, and one never hears about them, until now. A bakery that makes Girl Scout cookies is pulling some batches of its Lemon Chalet Cremes because people have complained of a foul smell and taste. Little Brownie Bakers in Louisville is one of two bakeries in the United States that makes Girl Scout cookies. No one has gotten sick from the stinky cookies. The bakery says the smell is caused by a breakdown of oils in the cookies. The cookies were distributed in Alabama, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, North Carolina, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Wisconsin and the District of Columbia. Well it just goes to show that one can mess up a good thing very easily. So beware.

Simon De Sade!

There is honesty, then there is brutal honesty and then there is sadistic honesty. I am not surprised that American Idol judge Simon Cowell is brutally honest. Sometimes though, he is a wee bit sadistic. I believe that is what the newest judge, Ellen DeGeneres objects to, in her reaction to Simon’s calls. Apparently, American Idol is losing to Olympic coverage, which in itself is abysmal to begin with. This show used to be as much about the judges as the contestants. When poor wee overmedicated Paula Abdul would battle Simon, it was more “dramatic” than the rendition of a Queen song by an aspiring singer. Then the other new one came and was so pissed at the bikini girl that she took off her own clothes to reveal an equally talented torso as the contestant. And now Simon is leaving and Ellen is staying. Lest I forget, the pitchy comments of the Dog add some color to the proceedings. There are people who watch this show for the artistic performances of the contestants. Then there are the people who are related or know the contestants. And then there are people who want to watch Simon be brutally honest. And then there is at least one person who wants to watch the sadistic tendencies of Simon. As for the show itself, they have to do something to keep the fickle attention of the masses. Even entertaining people by cutting gladiators’ heads off got old after a while. Apparently, even that show was attracting fewer viewers than Olympic curling.

Orca, The Distracted, Bored, Horny, Tired But Not A Killer Whale!

The captive Orca, Tilikum, killed his trainer. These animals, sometimes referred to as killer whales, kill things in the water. They are not called caressing whales, kissy whales, pat me on my tummy whales, put your hand in my mouth and touch my tongue whales, make me jump through a hoop whales or any other type of whale. Again, they are called killer whales. So when one kills something in his water, in this case, a trainer, we ought not to be surprised and definitely not kill the killer whale for killing, because we know that he kills. The bloody thing even jumps on land and catches seals and then throws them around before eating them. I am not sure if this list of explanations for this attack is in any kind of order, nevertheless here is the list:

The Trainer's Ponytail Distracted Him: According to one “expert” specifically SeaWorld’s curator of zoological operations, the trainer's long hair was the catalyst for a tragically rough outburst of affection from the whale. The bloody whale killed the woman, it wasn’t any kind of affection for crying out loud.

He Was Bored and Lonely: According to this “expert” specifically a marine biologist from the Monterey Bay Whale Watch company, Possibly the killer whale just got bored, she said, since their lives in captivity are more confined than at sea, where they spend time swimming hundreds of miles while hunting or playing." "I just think the killer whale may have wanted a social companion and just held her under too long. I would think the killer whale didn't do it intentionally but more as a play thing. They're so powerful." This woman goes on to state that orcas have "never killed a human in the wild," but captive animals are a whole different story. Really, how many people jump in the water when a pod of these animals is feeding, or better I wish she would sit on the beach next to a seal with her clipboard and water resistant pen and test that assertion.

And this next one, my little friends, is the best one:

He Was Feeling Randy...: According to the same brilliant scientist who has never seem an Orca kill human in the wild water: the same marine biologist revealed another potential explanation for the attack: It might have been a hormonal outburst related to the fact that Tilikum was frequently isolated and encouraged to breed.

"He was used a lot [by SeaWorld] for mating and could have even been enacting a mating behavior during the incident," explained Black.

She's not the only one with such a hypothesis. The Miami Herald quotes a trainer turned activist named Russ Rector, who has long protested the public showing of Tilikum:"You know why they keep him around? His penis. He's a breeder.''  The beauty of this explanation is that it is corroborated by another brilliant whale mind. The whale mistook the trainer for a female Orca, perhaps he was excited by the hair. Amazing.

 

He Was Overworked:  Let’s stay with Russ Rector shall we, he of the whale penis fame. He must live in San Diego, which as we all know means a whale’s vagina. "Too much pressure and stress is being created by the attempt to achieve perfection. The animals are paying the price and displaying the consequences," he said in the letter. Today he maintains: "Happy animals don't kill their trainers."  As you know, by now, a theory has to be corroborated and Russ has this guy: president of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a Canadian animal rights and marine conservation group. In a very un-Tarantinoish move (he would have used his foot):  "I sat by the pool and patted the big orca on the head. I also put my hand in his mouth and put my palm on his tongue so he could taste that I was not afraid of him. I remember looking into the left eye of that magnificent predator, and what I saw there was resignation and sadness. He was not a happy whale. If the animal tasted me, it would know that I am scared big time, it could be my saltiness from the fact that it is chasing me and trying to eat me.

And finally this explanation is from the “non-experts”, I kid you not: "They are supposed to be swimming free in their natural environment, not imprisoned in a tank and reduced to mere things that folks pay to gawk at. And no matter how much 'training' they receive, their nature can never be changed; they can always, like lions and tigers and bears, revert back to their instinctive behaviors, where anything that is not of their species is either a threat ... or lunch.

The Times of London reports that the whale's life will be spared, at least for the time being. I hope they just release the poor beast into the wild water so he won’t kill any humans ever again.

Stupid Design!

I feel guilty “dumping” on religion. I have religious friends, perhaps I may want to apply for a job at a Jesuit school, or maybe I think that people can’t be so bloody mindless. And then I read about these people, the Virginia Christian Action (VCA): State Delegate Bob Marshall of Manassas says disabled children are God's punishment to women who have aborted their first pregnancy. "The number of children who are born subsequent to a first abortion with handicaps has increased dramatically. Why? Because when you abort the first born of any, nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children," said Marshall, a Republican. "In the Old Testament, the first born of every being, animal and man, was dedicated to the Lord. There's a special punishment Christians would suggest." The scariest part of all of this is that these people are political leaders. The petition was signed by a number of prominent Christian leaders, including the Rev. Jonathan Falwell of Lynchburg and the Rev. Pat Robertson of Virginia Beach. That last guy is the same bloody idiot who accounted for the earthquake in Haiti as God’s punishment for the sins of the Haitians. This isn’t, I hope, the view of all Christians, just the most intelligent ones, made in the image of the intelligent designer. I can safely say to you that people, who espouse these sentiments in the name of religion, drain my guilt. 

Finally An Olympic Sport Where Judges Can Tip The Contestants! Still No Touching!

The other day I was ranting and raving about new Olympic sports. I have always been a dollar short and an hour late. It seems that the International Olympic Committee (IOC) members have their hands full, pun intended as always, with new Olympic sports. Pole dancing seeks Olympic inclusion. Absolutely, say thousands of pole dancers and the rapidly growing number of international and national federations transforming what was once the exclusive property of strip clubs and cheap bars into a respectable — and highly athletic — event. "I could definitely see pole dancing in the Olympics," said Sato, who, a dancer since the age of three, out-twirled a bevy of athletes from 11 countries at the second International Pole Dancing Fitness Championships in Tokyo two months ago. "I would love to win a gold medal.”  Much to the amusement of the colonists, sports like squash and cricket, the mainstay of the Empire, haven’t made it into the Olympic Games. And to the fair, the Committee has chosen to cut baseball and softball from the summer program, so General Tommy Gage can rest in peace also. But back to the “vertical dance” shall we? KT Coates, a leading pole dancer in Britain and director of Vertical Dance, is leading the effort to make pole dancing a "test" event in 2012 and foresees a more formal pitch in 2016, when the Olympics go to Rio de Janeiro. "After a great deal of feedback from the pole dance community, many of us have decided that it's about time pole fitness is recognized as a competitive sport, and what better way for recognition than to be part of the 2012 Olympics held in London," Coates wrote in a petition she is readying for the London organisers. "It has the wow factor," she told The Associated Press in an e-mail. All of this begs questions such as how will points be scored, and whether mirrors and bouncers will be required. Perhaps there is an evaluation system already built into the contest based on the tips the contestants will earn.

Hold Me Closer Tiny Jesus!

If we assume that Jesus was what Jesus was supposed to be, then it is okay for Elton John to think that Jesus was a super-intelligent gay man. Jesus was "compassionate", forgiving and "understood human problems". The church, of course, dug the message but wasn’t so sure about the messenger: A spokesman for the Church of England said: "Sir Elton's reflection that Jesus calls us all to love and forgive is one shared by all Christians." "But insights into aspects of the historic person of Jesus are perhaps best left to the academics," he added. Let me recap this story for you. Yes, Jesus called on the people to be loving and forgiving. Yes, he was compassionate, empathetic and intelligent. No bloody way he was gay! Insights into aspects of the historic person of Jesus, according to anyone other than Reggie, reveals a extremely heterosexual Jesus, one who may even have discouraged homosexuality as a sinful habit. Jesus, what was Elton thinking?

Don't Mistake Curling's Sweepers With Muscle Shoals' Swampers!

I have always hated anything to do with snow. Needless to say, the winter Olympic Games doesn’t hold much interest for me. However, I did manage to catch some of the curling the other day. It happened to be between the women of two countries. I was amazed at the amount of screaming the “sweepers” did as they swept along the path of the “stone” being delivered to the “house” from the “hack!” Instead of screaming they ought to sing. They should get points for singing and sweeping instead of screaming and sweeping.

 

I know how difficult it is to play any sport at the highest level, and I will never belittle any sporting event. Maybe it is because of the lights or the Olympic Games, but I watched curling despite myself. For my digression, I have to tell you about the swampus. For the longest time, I was under the impression that the line in the song Sweet Home Alabama was “muscle Shultz has got the swampus!” Not knowing much about Alabama, growing up in rural Scotland, I assumed there was this powerful guy who got this unpleasant condition. Not so my little friends. It was a place, and it had a great band known as the Swampers.

 

I can’t wait for the time when Skijoring will become more than a demonstration sport. In this baby, a skier is pulled either by dogs, a horse or motorized vehicle of some kind. I hope it is a horse since they already have dog sledges and dragging a human behind a car of a motorcycle will set a bad example for children. But a horse and a contestant working together to navigate a course with bumps and stuff, now that would be something.

Bon Chance Le Tigre, Dire Non à L'érection!

Le Tigre or the Tiger apologized for having sex with other women. Here is a smattering of some responses to his apology: "I’m glad of one thing, he didn’t play the I’m a sex addiction card. There’s no such thing as sex addiction. This is just compulsive behaviour. We’re all potentially greedy, we’d love to have our hands in the cookie jar regardless of the consequences. But now, after all those apologies, he’ll have nowhere to turn if he strays again. The more severely high you set the bar, the more temptation you expose yourself to." My personal favorite: "The old saying that an erection has no conscience is very true. You have to be a very remarkable person, if you’re chatted up by an attractive woman in the right circumstances, to say no. And finally there is this: What he has done is unprecedented. What other sportsman has walked away from the game at the peak of their career to try to save their family? It is a rare, rare thing that borders on the heroic. It may make Woods a fool in the long run, we shall find out, but it makes him a heroic fool. This reminds me a wee bit of Marion Barry who insisted that he was set up. All that guy had to do was to say no to drugs. However, I hope Le Tigre can get back to playing his game, making more money than entire nations and saying no to his erection.

Intelligent Designer Genes!

I happen to come across an article about the cave art in India depicting “aliens” and unidentified flying objects. It was supposed to be ancient art with the idea that these aliens had visited earth much earlier than the recent visits to the man and women in the trailer parks, probing their anal orifices. It seems that there have been many such sightings depicted in ancient art all over the world. Apparently, since Jesus wasn’t immaculately conceived yet, most people found images of aliens in their toast and water damaged ceiling tiles. Here are a couple of images.

  

 

Viewing all of them through my skeptical spectacles, the images or artifacts that I think are real could be construed as just weird terrestrials. But this got me thinking. There are two documentaries out that are juxtaposed to each other. One is called Flock of Dodos and it is about the fallacy of intelligent design. The other is one by Ben Stein, from the Ferris Bueller’s fame, who wonders why scientists are so opposed to the notion that there could be an intelligent design component to existence. In his movie Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, scientists who want to entertain the idea of intelligent design, are shunned by the rest of their colleagues and even lose their jobs. Evolution is a fact and can be supported by scientific data. Scientists are not open to intelligent design because there is no evidence to support it. All the supporters of intelligent design can muster is the notion that evolution can’t account for origins of life. Something had to be there for it to evolve. I believe every intelligent scientist would agree with that and at this point, all they can say is we don’t know how life began. They have some theories, most of which have major flaws. However, these scientists are prepared to acknowledge their ignorance. The intelligent design paradigm considers that ignorance to be arrogance. Since, the scientist agree that they don’t know how it all began, why can’t they be open to the intelligent design paradigm. I am sure the scientists want to be provided with some tangible proof and they would be believers. In fact that is how they roll. They don’t believe something until they can prove its existence. The confounding factor in a purely scientific discussion is the nemesis of any kind of rational thought, religion. I am positive, that any of the scientists, some of whom are religious and go to church and belt out a few hymns, who oppose the theory of intelligent design would like to have proof that there is an intelligent design component to origin of man. Until then, they would rather go with the “we don’t know!” However, the intelligent design peeps sooner or later will entertain the idea that perhaps the intelligent designer may be God. That is what scientists vehemently oppose, to the point that they ostracize any of their colleagues who entertain that notion. And, I don’t blame them. Scientists don’t know, and until they know, they want to maintain that they don’t know. The intelligent design people want people to be open to the possibility that there is an intelligent designer. Since they don’t know who it is, it could be God.  I think it may be the extraterrestrials who have visited earth as it was being formed and designed life as we know it.

http://www.expelledthemovie.com/

http://www.flockofdodos.com/

You Fly Back To School, Now, Little Starling. Fly, Fly, Fly...!

It is late and I am too tired to research this, but I seem to remember reading that Herman Rorschach designed his projective personality test after he was strolling with his two daughters and upon looking at some clouds, each girl “saw” the cloud formation as something different than her sibling. Based on Herman’s knowledge of each girl’s personality, it seemed that the object or animal each girl saw made very good sense to him. Thus, he developed his inkblot tests, which form the basis most psychodynamic personality assessments. Here is a story about a flight of starlings, depicting a particular figure. Starling flock forms shape of rabbit. Flocks of starlings are renowned for producing one of nature's most impressive sights as they move in unison with unpredictable speed. The reason these birds behave in this manner is to deter birds of prey such as falcons from eating them. Here is the picture of the giant rabbit:

 

To me it looks more like a pear than it does a rabbit. I wonder what that tells me about my personality. Here is another example: