LS Man

The Chafing The Chafing, Always The Chafing--Vince Lombardi!

Sensationalism seems to be the standard fare these days. So to make any impact one has to turn it up a notch, just like the dude from Spinal Tap whose amp went to 11 instead of 10. Case in point would be the effort of two firefighters to earn some money for charity. They want to row across an ocean. Enough people must have done this, or the population in the north of England must think that rowing 3000 miles is so boring because these boys will be attempting this feat naked. Two firefighters are limbering up to row 3,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean, in a race where all competitors take part totally naked. Dean Jagger, from Merseyside and Neil Gyllenship, from West Yorkshire, use scrubbing brushes on their bottoms to prepare for the effect of chafing. Battling against scorching heat, they will have only sun cream and nappy rash ointment for protection. They hope to raise £100,000 for Claire House and charity, Childflight.

 

Imagine the next pair of firefighters who will attempt to raise money for charity. They will have a brainstorming session and decide that naked has been done so perhaps they ought to try with a candle inserted in their anuses. The pair after that one will use the same candle. Now that, my little friends, is worth sponsoring don’t you think?

Phil Is Wigging Out Man!

You may remember old Phil Spector who is in jail for killing an actress at his home. He was already a wee bit crazy, and driven more so every day by the prison authorities. He isn’t allowed to scream and yell at people, intimidate people or wave his guns in people’s faces. Oh and he isn’t allowed to wear his wigs. Here are some before and one after shots:

As if this wasn’t bad enough, the other day he gets a note handed to him by a prison guard. Now you may also remember another notorious guest at the same prison facility by the name of Charlie Manson:  Meanwhile, Spector's publicist said he was "shaken" by a recent request from notorious convicted murderer, Charles Manson, for a musical collaboration. Manson is in another maximum security section of the Corcoran State Prison. The cult leader - who once worked with The Beach Boys - contacted the producer, who he revered as "the greatest who ever lived", via a note which he gave to a prison guard. Lifson said Spector has no intention of responding to the message. "Phil Spector has been very, very alarmed and scared at the notion of Charles Manson contacting him for any reason," he admitted, "He is very worried that any association be made between himself and Charles Manson. I don’t know, I would think this would be match made in prison. Chuck and Phil greatest hits:

You’ve Lost That Hating Feeling

To Shower With Him Is To Love Him

And Then He Tossed My Salad

Not In The Da Doo Chuck Chuck

Be My Beeotch

The list can go on I’m afraid.

Hanzo The Razor Is like Having Your Prostate Milked, Painful Yet Irresistible!

A wee while ago, I used to work with a student who liked Japanese comic books, which later became known as manga. He happened to like a particular one called Lone Wolf and Cub. The other day, through the incredible powers of the internet, I was researching that particular manga and I came across a series of movies about a detective named Hanzo the Razor who fights corrupt officials and bad guys using ingenious methods:

• Hanzo vilifies elitism and corruption, consistently railing against the powers-that-be who continue to threaten Hanzo with hara-kiri for his insolence;
• Hanzo continuously mocks his superior officer, Magobei Onishi, whom Hanzo dubs "Hebi no Magobei" ("Snake Magobei") due to Onishi's penchant for bribes and beautiful women;
• Hanzo is a constable who normally carries a short 2-pronged dagger ( Jutte) rather than a sword; this jutte has a hidden, weighted chain within it, which Hanzo uses to block against sword attacks or ensnare fleeing criminals;
• Hanzo consistently utilizes torture (both on himself and on others) as a means of interrogation and self-purification;
• Hanzo ritualistically flagellates his huge penis so as to make it stronger; this exercise is always followed up by Hanzo's practicing sexual intercourse with a bale of rice;
• Hanzo's home is filled with exotic traps and weapons to defeat assassins, such as a hidden wall of weapons near his o-furo (Japanese bath) and spears that descend from the ceiling;
• Hanzo interrogates female suspects by raping them; later, he drinks sake with them in his o-furo and they immediately become infatuated with him, but primarily due to his sexual prowess;

I happened to catch one of these films and I assure you, it is all it claims to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzCmbNATnt8  This isn’t safe for work, but it is a must see snippet of Hanzo doing his magic.

Aochan And Gohan Guano Now!

My version:

Once upon a time there was a snake named Aochan. He was a beautiful snake with bluish eyes and brown glistening scales. He had been living in a forest before he was captured and brought to a zoo. He missed living in the wild, slithering under the rodenumnum bushes, detecting the warm blood and the smell of small rodents that he would catch and swallow. In the zoo, he was given frozen mice to eat, at best dead and at worst not fully thawed. The zoo workers at Mutsugoro Okoku had a brilliant idea one day. They would not give a coldblooded animal a frozen dinner, and instead they gave him a live hamster they had named Gohan.

Aochan approached Gohan, but something happened at that fateful moment. Not only did Aochan not eat Gohan, but they became inseparable friends. They now entertain the other animals and visitors to the zoo with a parody of the Penn and Teller show, called Aochan and Gohan Guano Now! The latest installment was an expose on Mustsugoro Akoku zoo’s insistence that monkeys’ diet include bananas. In the show, Aochan and Gohan, of whom the latter doesn’t talk but does tricks and magic because he has arms and Aochan doesn’t, demonstrated that given a choice, monkeys would rather eat frozen mice than bananas. Their show can be viewed every week on the cable channel Zootime. They perform their show on a cardboard box.

BBC version:

A rodent-eating snake and a hamster have developed an unusual bond at a zoo in the Japanese capital, Tokyo.

Their relationship began in October last year, when zookeepers presented the hamster to the snake as a meal.

The rat snake, however, refused to eat the rodent. The two now share a cage, and the hamster sometimes falls asleep sitting on top of his natural foe.

"I have never seen anything like it," a zookeeper at the Mutsugoro Okoku zoo told the Associated Press News agency.

The hamster was initially offered to Aochan, the two-year-old rat snake, because it was refusing to eat frozen mice.

As a joke, the zookeeper said they named the hamster Gohan - the Japanese word for meal.

"I don't think there's any danger. Aochan seems to enjoy Gohan's company very much," said zookeeper Kazuya Yamamoto.

The apparent friendship between the snake and hamster is one of many reported bonds spanning the divide between predator and prey.

Irony and Oxymorony!

Here is a wee story that may be ironic and perhaps oxymoronic. A burglary took place at a church in Colorado.  Some stoles were stolen, which were meant to be given to the ordained gays and lesbians who are celibate. DILLON — Pastor Joe Holub was left scratching his head when he discovered that personal — and some seemingly illogical — items were taken from Lord of the Mountains Church in Dillon. Church officials noticed items were missing the morning of July 16, including electronics, a guitar and pastor garb. Holub noted that a door was inadvertently left open, so there was no breaking and entering. A “very valuable” vintage Ovation guitar was removed from Holub's office — an irreplaceable item because it's no longer manufactured and it's an important keepsake. Holub used the guitar with the youth church. Even stranger, the burglar took stoles — what a pastor wears around his neck. The ones stolen from the church were meant to be sent to the national assembly this summer as a symbolic gesture of support for gays and lesbians in committed relationships hoping to become ordained pastors. A vote will be held this year to decide if this can occur. “We already ordain gays and lesbians that are celibate, so we're halfway there,” Holub said, adding that the stoles were handmade from knitted squares by supportive individuals as a national project. A DVD player was also stolen. I may be wrong about the irony of a burglar stealing stoles; however, if one is to be celibate, wouldn’t professing a sexual preference be an oxymoron, or is that more like a sexymoron?

It Works Everytime, Trust Me!

Indian farmers -- desperate for rain -- have asked their unmarried daughters to plow dry fields naked, in a bid to spark interest from the weather gods, and bring some badly needed monsoon rain. The nude girls in the eastern India state of Bihar chanted hymns as they plowed the fields, asking for rain, witnesses told Reuters."They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains," Upendra Kumar, a village council official, told Reuters."This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily," she told Reuters. The girls are naked AND they plow the fields. I wonder if this most trusted social custom was started by some lazy, dirty old men. I know if I was a god, which by the way I am in my own mind, I would be embarrassed that people make other people do stuff like this and start a bloody monsoon immediately, just to stop the humiliation of these poor girls.

Oye Mi Hermano Quieres Que La Antigua O Una Grasa!

Friday night in Mexico City and you take the family to see wrestling of course. You particularly enjoy a tag team match in the Luca Mini wrestling circuit between El Espectrito and La Parkita and anyone foolish enough to take on the “Little Ghost” and the “Little Death!”

You watch the match with your ninos, ordering perro calientes with mostaza, salsa catsup and bebida azucarada. It is a magnifica noche and you go home with the ninos wearing their masks and emulating the moves they saw Espectrito and Parkita make on the mat. Next morning, you read the periodicos to find out that the two poco hombres you watched last night have been poisoned by some older perra and el gordo. 

A woman has been arrested in Mexico over the deaths of two midget wrestlers - twin brothers - discovered in a hotel room last month. Prosecutors allege she was one of two women who spiked the wrestlers' drinks with eye-drops as part of a robbery. The 65-year-old woman denies the charges. The police said they were searching for her alleged accomplice, known as "The Fat One". The wrestlers were part of the popular Lucha Mini wrestling circuit. The brothers, Alejandro and Alberto Perez Jimenez, 35, fought under the names El Espectrito II ("The Little Ghost") and La Parkita ("Little Death"). Many professional Mexican wrestlers wear masks as part of their adopted characters. As if this wasn’t interesting enough, either one or both of the twins must have taken enough of a fancy to a 65-year-old woman, to even allow her and her fat accomplice to drug them. I love that the last tag action of Little Death and Little Ghost was to be doing the Lambada, or as I would like to call it the forbidden dance, with an old and a fat woman.

Hold Me Closer Burlesque Dancer!

There are a few very lucky people who love what they do for a living. Two such people are Cal Ripken, Jr., a retired professional baseball player, and Tempest Storm, a burlesque dancer. Baseball players are measured against one another by their statistics, which is a ridiculous idea in my mind. Nevertheless, I will endeavor to provide some statistics for both these people, in the hope that you can appreciate their love for their own individual game.

Cal Ripken, Jr.

 

Born 1960

Bats: Right Throws: Right

Debut: 1981

Retired: 2001

Batting Average: .276

Hits: 3,184

Homeruns: 431

Runs batted in: 1,695

Other notable accomplishment in his profession: Played a record 2,632 games in a row.

Tempest Storm

 

Born: 1928

Bats: Her eyelids Throws: a chicken thigh at Elvis’ head once (dated him for a year)

Debut: 1957 when she changed her name from Annie Blanche Banks to TS

Retired: Not on your tassels baby

Batting Average: 100 % Baby!

Hits: Many have tried, few have succeeded

Homeruns: Elvis, Frank, even Walter Cronkite (RIP) modesty forbids naming any more names

Runs batted in: still counting baby

Other notable accomplishments in her profession: Tempest Storm is the Las Vegas headliner who describes herself as a “classy” stripper. The 80-year-old is still hard at work although it has been more than 50 years since she was described as the girl with the “fabulous front” and with the “best two props in Hollywood.” Tempest Storm defines “class” as taking her time to strip slowly. So slowly that it takes four musical numbers, to be exact, for her to take it all off in her “classy” way. Tempest Storm has been through trials and tribulations in her life: relationship disappointments, financial problems and even brain surgery. She believes that it’s important to be a survivor - to never stop doing what you love. She exercises regularly by using a small stationary bike while she watches television. She doesn’t smoke or drink, and she is careful about what she eats. Tempest Storm is currently still performing in what she describes as a more glamorous burlesque style.

Bobby De Niro's Chocolate Log Coming Soon!

I don’t know why I think some things should not be. Recycled toilet paper is an example. I keep thinking it has been you know used before, because it is recycled. Now my mind tells me that it was some other type of paper before it became toilet paper. It could have been brochures for family vacations or old pay checks, who knows? It definitely wasn’t old toilet paper, RIGHT? So here is a story that makes me equally queasy:  World's first camel milk chocolate goes on sale. Al Nassma, the world's first chocolate made out of camel milk from Dubai, is to go on sale around the world. I have never had camel milk. I hope it doesn’t taste like chicken, but why? I know there are many more camels in Dubai than cows, but why would you want to make chocolate out of camel milk? With 3,000 camels on its Dubai farm, the company sells chocolates through its farm-attached store as well as in luxury hotels and private airlines. It plans to launch an online shopping facility within a month. "We aim to be the Godiva of the Middle East," said Martin Van Almsick, its general manager. "It's a luxury product, so we will never be in supermarkets. The plan is to be in one mall in each UAE city." All chocolates are produced without preservatives or chemical additives with a range of locally popular spices, nuts and honey, the company says. Camels' milk is seen as healthier than cows' milk, containing five times more vitamin C, less fat, less lactose and more insulin, making it a good option for diabetics and the lactose intolerant, according to Mr Van Almsick. Perhaps if I was a diabetic chocoholic, I would be rejoicing in my insulin stupor. Even honey, nuts and exotic spices won’t make me give up my Lindt bar.

 

Apparently, one can milk anything with nipples, including Bobby De Niro. What one needs to add to that observation is that one can subsequently make chocolate out of any milk also, be it a mongoose or a great Italian American actor. It will be easier to stick me sideways through the eye of a needle, than to make me enter an expensive mall and partake of the camel chocolates. But that is just me. You make up your own minds.

The Nuns Know Everything!

Did you hear the one about three nuns in a bathtub? I wish the bounds of decency, dignity and decorum would permit me tell you about it, if you hadn’t heard, and if you had, giggle away. I can, however, tell you the one about the three nuns in a Ford Fiesta going 30 mph over the speed limit: The patrol that pulled over a Ford Fiesta on Friday doing 112mph was surprised to find at the wheel a 56-year-old nun who claimed she needed to be at the pope's side after the pontiff lost his balance in the bathroom and broke his wrist. In the back were two fellow Salesian nuns, aged 65 and 78, who had jumped in the car in Turin when news broke of Pope Benedict's fall near Aosta, where he is spending his summer holiday.  The police chose not to forgive the nun, pointing out that she was 30mph over the limit. They suspended her licence for a month and issued a €375 (£323) fine. The nun is planning to appeal and it is thought that she can invoke the 'state of necessity' in the law that allows speeding. Ok here goes the joke and may I be forgiven for telling you it.

Three nuns are in a Fiesta going 30 mph over the speed limit. The oldest one fall asleep and one of awake ones turns to the other one and says “is the Holy Father right handed?” The other one says “it doesn’t matter, he was able to hold a blessing already.” The first one says “that wasn’t what I was worried about.” The old (and terribly wise) one in the back opens her eyes and says “don’t worry, he is ambidextrous and he can abstain with either hand!”